Week 3 - where I’m at

 This has been one hell of a wild ride. 

I’ve bypassed 3 weeks now of being on 2.5mg of Lexapro - there was a time I got up to 20mg, and believe it or not, I’ve never been on a dose this low.

I feel proud of myself. For making the decision, for taking the leap, even for those moments I fluctuated between my safe dose and this dose that seemed so small yet so far out of my reach. Because in those moments was a hidden courage I didn’t know I had. 

Now here I am, 3 weeks in, and have battled against times of wanting to give it all in and go back to what was safe and familiar. For so long, this medication has been my safety net, a place I could always retreat to for relief from symptoms that were scary and debilitating. 

I knew this medication was merely masking the pain. 

I knew it was tearing the resilience from my hands. 

I knew the further I went down this rabbit hole, the harder it would be to climb out. 

And yet, it was always the safe option. The option that gave me hope, because when my anxiety was highest, hope was nowhere to be seen. 

Over these past few weeks I’ve battled some scary side effects. The main one being actually having to face my emotions. Because for almost ten years, my emotions have been bottled up and sealed away tightly. And now, it’s as though the lid has been cracked a fraction, allowing a few to escape. It has felt like the whole jar has been spilt and emotions have begun ricocheting from every corner of my being. But what I think I’ve actually been feeling has been completely normal. I’ve just become so blind to what normal really is. 

The first emotion that scared me was anger. I would find myself in internal fits of rage over things so seemingly small. Someone cutting me off in traffic, a client not relaxing, finding ten unread messages on my phone. I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell everyone to leave me alone. 

But I didn’t want to be alone. I just wanted to be left alone. 

Beyond that, it was the random leaps between emotions as well. One moment I’d be raging, the next I’d be crying, the next I’d be happy, and then throw in some anxiety for good measure. It was unpredictable and this was what was so frightening. 

I went through many moments of lamenting over the fact that I wish I’d never gone on them. I wish I’d never opened that door and just dealt with things in a better way. 

But I know, for me that was the best way, in that moment and at that time. I was young. I didn’t have much by way of support around this stuff. My doctor had no clue. She assured me I might not have any side effects at all. I wasn’t prepared for what might come of being on this medication. I wasn’t prepared for what would come after being on it for ten years. 

There was a lot that transpired over that time, but this isn’t a blog post for that. 

This is a post of my journey right now, navigating the complexity of antidepressants and my own personal story of hopefully finding a life free of them. 

I know I’m on my way there. 

And while I can’t see the other side, because I don’t know what it’s going to be like, I can hope for something better than this. 

Our bodies are capable of so much more than we think. 

And I can’t wait to give my body that freedom again. 

With grace

Kristen


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