Where the Wild Feelings Are

 Today I woke up feeling completely disconnected.  This is possibly one of the worst side effects of SSRI discontinuation.  The best way I can describe it is that I feel like I’m not inside my body. I’m somewhere else. It’s a bit like a movie, where I’m watching myself do life but I can’t feel any connection to my body.  I look at my hands and, I don’t know whose hands they are, but they’re not mine.  I talk to people but I’m far away somewhere. Everyone looks like they’re at the very end of a tunnel.  I also feel myself having less filter in these moments because I don’t feel as though it’s me saying things.  This experience would happen sometimes during my time on these meds, but upon lowering the dose it’s more frequent and for longer periods of time.  It’s terrifying.  Because it feels like I’ll never get back to being me.  And what if this medication has messed me up so much that I never actually get back to being me, inside my body...

 This has been one hell of a wild ride.  I’ve bypassed 3 weeks now of being on 2.5mg of Lexapro - there was a time I got up to 20mg, and believe it or not, I’ve never been on a dose this low. I feel proud of myself. For making the decision, for taking the leap, even for those moments I fluctuated between my safe dose and this dose that seemed so small yet so far out of my reach. Because in those moments was a hidden courage I didn’t know I had.  Now here I am, 3 weeks in, and have battled against times of wanting to give it all in and go back to what was safe and familiar. For so long, this medication has been my safety net, a place I could always retreat to for relief from symptoms that were scary and debilitating.  I knew this medication was merely masking the pain.  I knew it was tearing the resilience from my hands.  I knew the further I went down this rabbit hole, the harder it would be to climb out.  And yet, it was always the safe option. The op...