Disconnected

 Today I woke up feeling completely disconnected. 

This is possibly one of the worst side effects of SSRI discontinuation. 

The best way I can describe it is that I feel like I’m not inside my body. I’m somewhere else. It’s a bit like a movie, where I’m watching myself do life but I can’t feel any connection to my body. 

I look at my hands and, I don’t know whose hands they are, but they’re not mine. 

I talk to people but I’m far away somewhere. Everyone looks like they’re at the very end of a tunnel. 

I also feel myself having less filter in these moments because I don’t feel as though it’s me saying things. 

This experience would happen sometimes during my time on these meds, but upon lowering the dose it’s more frequent and for longer periods of time. 

It’s terrifying. 

Because it feels like I’ll never get back to being me. 

And what if this medication has messed me up so much that I never actually get back to being me, inside my body, feeling like everything is in place?

My head feels like it’s full of cotton wool. 

I don’t know how to care for myself at this time either. And I realise quite possibly that I need to just wait it out. And hope upon hope that I come back to myself when my body gets more used to being on its own, without an artificial thing inside of it. 

With grace and all hope,

Kristen 

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